Expecting independence early on
Hi working moms in tech, My son has been crying everyday when I drop him to his daycare. He’s been in the daycare since he was 1 and now he’s 3. I think the reason is because during the holiday break, we spent a lot of time together and he is so used to spend a lot of time with me. Today, he said “I just want to spend more time with mommy”. It breaks my heart and the teachers suggested that we should try to make him more independent by taking him to group activities so he’s less attached to me. I grew up with stay at home mom, extremely close to my mom even till today. I know this is a norm here but it saddens me to see my son to be cooped in one place from 9 AM to 6 PM. I have thought maybe enrolling him to preschool from 9 am - 2:30 pm and we can do other activities afterward. However, that will require me to quit my current job right now. Anyone else is thinking or experiencing this or this is just a temporary phase and all kids will get used to it. Is there no more value placed on stay at home mom and being a good home maker to her family? I pull high salary and we will have some financial setback if I quite my job but we will survive. My stay at home mom friend who is currently doing a lot of activities with her son said that most people hire nannies to take the kids to the after school. I feel like I miss out if I do that.
I grew up with a working mom. Missing her was a temporary phase that I don’t even remember anymore. I’m very close to her now, but have always been very independent. It’s really the parents wishful thinking that their children really need them at all times. The only time I remember holding a grudge that she didn’t spend time with me was when she sent me to my grandpas because she wanted to host a party with friends 🙄
Haha same thoughts!
I hope this is the case for my son and he’s crying is temporary phase that he will get over with.
http://theweek.com/articles/627821/ugly-secret-working-moms Here is a great article that you might enjoy
This resonates with me. We are 2 incomes working in the bay are and working for tech. It’s no wonder companies like Facebook offer benefit to freeze our eggs.
I have a 3 and 6months old. Most of the time the crying is for show and the second I walk out the door he’s fine. This is the age they realize when I cry mom might not take me
Why do you care what other people value? Take off and raise your kid. Kids can tell when they are not your priority. Day care is for when they are older after school, not the first five years of their life for goodness sake.
It isn’t that easy for everyone. Please be kind.
Do you *want* to quit? If so realize it is possibly as much for you as your son. My toddler loves daycare - I often have to wait there while he plays instead of coming home immediately - but he still says similar things after a holiday where we’ve spent a lot of time together. 3 year olds aren’t really capable of expressing a desire to spend more time with us in the way you probably hear it (that is, like you’re neglecting them) so some of this is just the concern or guilt you’re feeling. You’ll need to honestly assess whether you’re present enough of course. But don’t read too much into this if he’s otherwise healthy and well-adjusted.
Thank you. It can be that I might need to look for a different preschool for him also. It just drains me every morning to hear him crying and pleading on how he wants to spend time with me instead of going to his daycare. It’s a small home based daycare and some of the older kids move to a bigger school so maybe it has something to do with it as well. I get used to spend a lot of time with him also so both of us having a tough time transitioning back to our routine. I love the money but I don’t love my job. I am staying at my job for the salary to pay mortgage and my son’s school + socking away retirement and his college funds. I will probably stay at my job regardless , I want to maximize my potential earning in this good market and I don’t want my husband to shoulder all the high expenses living in the Bay Area.
Sounds like you need to choose your priorities and accept the consequences. You can get a new job. Your kid won't want/need you around forever.
I have interviewed around for better options but no luck so far :(. Will keep trying and make the best out of it in the mean time.
I think Okta means you can get a new job later on in a couple years when the kiddo is older. By 6, he may be sick of you 😂
Try wfh if your company lets you.
My groups doesn’t wfh a lot but thinking to propose 7am - 3 Pm schedule and back to email to work with offshore after 10 pm. This allows me to spend some activities with my son as well.
Look for a job that supports you working flexible and wfh more often. Are you in engineering?
Do you have family around that would enjoy having him around? I used to love spending time with cousins growing up instead of daycare. Plus, it helps build bonds with extended family members.
No :( this is the saddest part for me and my son. Our extended families are overseas. It’s hard for me and him because last month, we spent good quality time with parents and families. My son misses them so much and so do I. That’s how I grew up too, went to school 8 am - 1 pm and played with my cousins and brother afterward. I had a happy childhood and I want the same for him as well.
What about god parents or close friends with kids? I grew up with my parents friends kids and I’m still friends with them. Played sports all growing up and traveled. It was a good way for me to learn different cultures too. But I don’t think that started until I was 5.
Not a good idea to send kids under 2 to a daycare. Some daycares won’t even take your kid if the kid is not potty trained. Your other option is to get a good nanny to come over while you work. It’s more expensive but totally worth it and you won’t have to leave work early to pick the kid up. Kids will cry when they see you leave and after sometime they will figure it out
OPs son is 3.
I know that. She had stated that she put her kid in DC when the kid was 1. It is water under the bridge but doesn’t hurt to state that and it’s informative
This is why having children is super hard. This is also why having one parent stay at home happens.
It is. I can’t imagine having another one, I am not traumatized with giving birth, I am more traumatized of leaving my son so young when he still needs his mommy a lot. I do see a lot of nannies in Mtnview and Palo Alto Area, I suppose outsourcing to a nanny is one way to go.
Going back to work after a long break is always hard on my son and I. I wake up early and work about 2 hours from home. I make it a point to be out of the office by 4 at the latest. That way I spend at least 2 hours doing an activity with him. We usually play for an hour and he helps me with dinner. After I put him to bed I work another 2 hours max before I call it a night. It's a hard schedule but that's what I've been doing for the past year. Don't beat yourself up. Try and rearrange your schedule a bit if possible to get one afternoon activity in.
Thanks for sharing. Sometimes I can’t empty my brain to be present and just enjoy the moment. I also need to work on this part so we get the quality time in the hours we spend on the weekdays. Kudo for you for finding a schedule that works for both of you and your son.